As I’m writing this, my oldest daughter is saying goodbyes to her high school friends in our backyard. She is leaving for college next week.
Joy, grief, change, and time have all conspired to dramatically alter the inner landscape of my being. What once was familiar and solid seemed foreign and out of balance for a while. It’s been quite a journey.
I dare describe change as something inevitable, desired and feared, refreshing, and uncomfortable at the same time: A challenge. In this case, there was only one thing left for me to say: “Challenge accepted!”
When we spend our years taking care of everyone else, stopping and being there for ourselves may get really uncomfortable. You see, when we are busy enough and distracted enough, covering up emotions and feelings turns out to be a much easier task.
After being forced to deal with health issues, I aimed for a slower/quieter life these past couple of years. Consequently, I made time to mourn myself as I was and as I am no longer. Also, I made time to mourn for what will never be again: My family’s dynamics changed dramatically for good. In solitude, I chose to feel and confront, to desire and fear. Mourning is complicated and cannot be rushed, but it’s the only way forward.
What threatened to be diminishment has, in the end, turned out to be growth: evolution. I chose this and worked hard on it (I’m still working hard on it). I’m grateful for the chance to live through this process, I had a chance to stop, look within and relearn that it is ok not to be in charge. In a way, it’s been a relief to let everything fall away; to let go of my usual beliefs, opinions and expectations in order to let the new, refreshing surprises unfold.
It’s only the beginning and it’s been amazing, profound and (even though painful) it’s been thoroughly enjoyable. After all, it’s a fact that every life event prepares you for the next one, so I am now ready. Bring it on!
Choose to be kind and grateful.